I woke up to Dan throwing stones at my window.
“Come down and play with me,” he hollered.
“Wait! I’ll just be a minute.”
I quickly dressed and rushed down the staircase to the front door. As I opened the door, a gust of icy wind swept over me. I hated the cold. But it didn’t matter; I rarely got to see Dan, so when I did I made the most of it. Mum never let me out of the house; I never understood why. Whenever Dan came to his uncle’s house, a few blocks away from my house, I sometimes managed to sneak out and play with him. It’s great during the winter, because my parents always went on vacation to someplace warmer, and the maids were happy to let me go out as long as my parents didn’t find out.
I dashed towards Dan as soon as I saw him and gave him a hug. Dan smelt of peppermint. He lives in the country, and always has this freshness about him. As I drew away from him, I realised his boyish face hadn’t changed one bit and his big, hazel eyes still held that liveliness it always had. My best friend, my only friend, was the same as ever.
“Come on Mel, I’ll race you to the park.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
When we got there, I took a good look around at the park I so dearly missed. As I gazed at my surroundings, I saw something that I had never noticed before. It was far away, way on the other side of the park.
“Hey, what’s that?” I asked.
“Lets get a closer look”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
It was a set of four chimneys on top of a desolate building. It had rain-washed stains all over it. This faint, damp smell surrounded it. A tattered sign across the entrance read: PRIVATE PROPERTY. NO TRESSPPASSING! There was something very intriguing about the chimneys. I had never seen such a congregation of chimneys, but there wasn’t much in the world that I had seen. Also, even though there was clearly no one in the building, there was smoke coming out of them; as if someone was working away inside. I could tell Dan thought the chimneys were an interesting sight as well.
“Want to check them out?” asked Dan with a daring look on his face.
I nodded. We climbed up the rickety fire escape stairs on the side of the building. They were old and the rust stung my hand like crazy, but I was too excited to care.
The smoke coming out of the chimneys didn’t smell like smoke. Each one’s smoke smelt different. One smelt like candies, another like a computer lab. One’s fragrance I didn’t recognise. The smell was sweet. It aroused happy thoughts in my mind. I felt an intense surge of euphoria. The final chimney let out the redolence of spring.
It felt magical just walking around these mysterious chimneys, but it wasn’t enough for Dan.
“Dare you to go inside one of them.” Dan whispered breathlessly, leaning against the chimney which smelt like candies.
“I double dare you.” I childishly replied.
Dan never turned down a dare, and neither did I. We went inside the chimney which smelt like spring. When out of the chimney, we expected to be inside the building, but instead we were in this vast meadow with beautiful, fragrant flowers growing everywhere. There were many trees with fruit- nectarines, pineapples, blueberries and mangoes- around us. I looked at Dan. His face looked like how I was feeling: shocked, and utterly confused.
“Let’s go and explore!” Dan said suddenly.
I walked up to a blueberry tree, and tasted the juiciest blueberry I had ever tried. Dan and I shared a mango. It was so delicious, that we had about a dozen more. Then we tried some of the other fruits. They were all uniquely delicious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
After a while, Dan said he figured out what had happened.
“I think this chimney led us into a different world!” Dan said “The chimney we went into smelt like spring, and we are in a Spring-like place.
“Maybe. Let’s go see what is inside the other chimneys.”
We crawled back through the chimney. We were again atop the building by the park. We went in the candy smelling chimney next. As soon as we were out of the chimney, we were in a candy-land. There was chocolate, candy canes and lollies everywhere. We tasted everything in that world. When we started to feel a bit sick, we tried another chimney.
We went through the computer lab smelling chimney. This world was hi-tech and modern. Everything there was swift and automatic. There were countless gadgets and gizmos. I liked the flying car the best. It was high-speed and had umpteen features. When we got tired of the gadgets we went into the last chimney.
This chimney had the enigmatic smell coming out of it. Dan said that he also got an exhilarated feeling when he walked past it. It was definitely incredibly enchanting. We went inside.
When I got out of the chimney, I saw my mother and father in our house by the kitchen. There were no maids. My parents were actually doing the cooking. They were having fun. All of a sudden, I came running along, with my drawing, and gave my mum a big hug. Then I went out to play with my friends.
That’s when I realised. I was seeing what I wanted my life to be like. It was like looking into a fishbowl filled with my desires.
“Did you see? My mum just smiled!” I chuckled.
“Your Mum?” Dan replied shocked. “All I see is you and me playing on the field by our house. I’m showing you all the wonderful animals that live there.”
I remembered how Dan always said he wished I could come to the country sometime.
“I think in this world we see what we really want.” I whispered.
“I think you’re right. Despite being the sweetest smelling chimney, it is the most evil. It shows us what we can’t have but desire.”
“Let’s skedaddle.”
We both walked quietly back to my house. I went inside and Dan went to his uncle’s house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
In my house, I could here jolly laughter coming from the spare room. I tiptoed in to see what was going on. I froze. My parents were painting and laughing.
“What happened?” I gasped.
“Oh hello darling. Guess what? We’ve decided to take a trip to the country next weekend.” Mum said.
Did she just call me darling?
“Doesn’t your friend Dan live there? Oh this is going to be great.”
She knows about Dan?
“Uh…can I come?” I croaked.
“Of course dear. Go outside and play.”
That’s when I realised. The last chimney made you see your desires, AND gave them to you too. I finally had a normal life, and I was going to see these places and creatures Dan always wanted me to see. Miracles could happen in the weirdest ways.
Is this a good story? is it descriptive enough? could you help me improve it?
--» You have several mistakes in your story. I`ll categorize them by the ~~~~. I fixed them so just copy and paste them.
FIRST PART:
But it didn’t matter; I rarely got to see Dan, so when I did, I made the most of it.
SECOND PART:
"Let's get a closer look."
THIRD PART:
A tattered sign across the entrance read: PRIVATE PROPERTY. NO TRESPASSING!
One’s fragrance I didn’t recognize.
“Dare you to go inside one of them,” Dan whispered breathlessly, leaning against the chimney which smelt like candies.
“I double dare you,” I childishly replied.
FOURTH PART:
Take out: When we got tired of the gadgets, we went into the last chimney.
That’s when I realized.
“I think in this world we see what we really want,” I whispered.
Learn how to write with dialogue. I don`t think you don`t know how to cite them. Overall, great job.
Reply:This is a great story. It leaves you with a good feeling. You had some grammer and voc. mistakes so I revised it and here it is. And make a title for it too.
I woke up to Dan throwing stones at my window.
“Come down and play with me,” he hollered.
“Wait! I’ll just be a minute.”
I quickly dressed and rushed down the staircase to the front door. As I opened the door, a gust of icy wind swept over me. I hated the cold. But it didn’t matter; I rarely got to see Dan, so when I did I made the most of it. Mum never let me out of the house; I never understood why. Whenever Dan came to his uncle’s house, a few blocks away from my house, I sometimes managed to sneak out and play with him. It’s great during the winter, because my parents always went on vacation to someplace warmer, and the maids were happy to let me go out as long as my parents didn’t find out.
I dashed towards Dan as soon as I saw him and gave him a hug. Dan smelt of peppermint. He lives in the country, and always has this freshness about him. As I drew away from him, I realized his boyish face hadn’t changed one bit and his big, hazel eyes still held that liveliness it always had. My best friend, my only friend, was the same as ever.
“Come on Mel, I’ll race you to the park.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
When we got there, I took a good look around at the park I so dearly missed. As I gazed at my surroundings, I saw something that I had never noticed before. It was far away, way on the other side of the park.
“Hey, what’s that?” I asked.
“Lets get a closer look”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
It was a set of four chimneys on top of a desolate building. It had rain-washed stains all over it. This faint, damp smell surrounded it. A tattered sign across the entrance read: PRIVATE PROPERTY. NO TRESSPPASSING! There was something very intriguing about the chimneys. I had never seen such a congregation of chimneys, but there wasn’t much in the world that I had seen. Also, even though there was clearly no one in the building, there was smoke coming out of them, as if someone was working away inside. I could tell Dan thought the chimneys were an interesting sight as well.
“Want to check them out?” asked Dan with a daring look on his face.
I nodded. We climbed up the rickety fire escape stairs on the side of the building. They were old and the rust stung my hand like crazy, but I was too excited to care.
The smoke coming out of the chimneys didn’t smell like smoke. Each one’s smoke smelt different. One smelt like candies, another like a computer lab. One’s fragrance I didn’t recognize. The smell was sweet. It aroused happy thoughts in my mind. I felt an intense surge of euphoria. The final chimney let out the redolence of spring.
It felt magical just walking around these mysterious chimneys, but it wasn’t enough for Dan.
“Dare you to go inside one of them.” Dan whispered breathlessly, leaning against the chimney which smelt like candies.
“I double dare you.” I childishly replied.
Dan never turned down a dare, and neither did I. We went inside the chimney, which smelt like spring. When out of the chimney, we expected to be inside the building, but instead we were in this vast meadow with beautiful, fragrant flowers growing everywhere. There were many trees with fruit- nectarines, pineapples, blueberries and mangoes- around us. I looked at Dan. His face looked like how I was feeling: shocked, and utterly confused.
“Let’s go and explore!” Dan said suddenly.
I walked up to a blueberry tree, and tasted the juiciest blueberry I had ever tried. Dan and I shared a mango. It was so delicious, that we had about a dozen more. Then we tried some of the other fruits. They were all uniquely delicious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
After a while, Dan said he figured out what had happened.
“I think this chimney led us into a different world!” Dan said, “The chimney we went into smelt like spring, and we are in a Spring-like place.
“Maybe. Let’s go see what is inside the other chimneys.”
We crawled back through the chimney. We were again atop the building by the park. We went in the candy smelling chimney next. As soon as we were out of the chimney, we were in a candy-land. There was chocolate, candy canes and lollies everywhere. We tasted everything in that world. When we started to feel a bit sick, we tried another chimney.
We went through the computer lab smelling chimney. This world was hi-tech and modern. Everything there was swift and automatic. There were countless gadgets and gizmos. I liked the flying car the best. It was high-speed and had umpteen features. When we got tired of the gadgets we went into the last chimney.
This chimney had the enigmatic smell coming out of it. Dan said that he also got an exhilarated feeling when he walked past it. It was definitely incredibly enchanting. We went inside.
When I got out of the chimney, I saw my mother and father in our house by the kitchen. There were no maids. My parents were actually doing the cooking. They were having fun. All of a sudden, I came running along, with my drawing, and gave my mum a big hug. Then I went out to play with my friends.
That’s when I realized. I was seeing what I wanted my life to be like. It was like looking into a fishbowl filled with my desires.
“Did you see? My mum just smiled!” I chuckled.
“Your Mum?” Dan replied shocked. “All I see is you and me playing on the field by our house. I’m showing you all the wonderful animals that live there.”
I remembered how Dan always said he wished I could come to the country sometime.
“I think in this world we see what we really want.” I whispered.
“I think you’re right. Despite being the sweetest smelling chimney, it is the most evil. It shows us what we can’t have but desire.”
“Let’s skedaddle.”
We both walked quietly back to my house. I went inside and Dan went to his uncle’s house.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
In my house, I could here jolly laughter coming from the spare room. I tiptoed in to see what was going on. I froze. My parents were painting and laughing.
“What happened?” I gasped.
“Oh hello darling. Guess what? We’ve decided to take a trip to the country next weekend.” Mum said.
Did she just call me darling?
“Doesn’t your friend Dan live there? Oh this is going to be great.”
She knows about Dan?
“Uh…can I come?” I croaked.
“Of course dear. Go outside and play.”
That’s when I realized. The last chimney made you see your desires, AND gave them to you too. I finally had a normal life, and I was going to see these places and creatures Dan always wanted me to see. Miracles could happen in the weirdest ways.
Reply:It really just doesn't make any sense. Sorry...
Reply:Let me tell you now, adverbs are unnessecary. Instead of saying walked slowly, can't so say ambled? The details are sufficient, but don't g overboard on them. Great job.
Reply:That is ONE OF THE BEST STORIES I HAVE EVER READ!!!! Thank you so much 4 making this story! I totally luv it! There is no reason to improve keep that story %26amp; share it w/ people just 4 entertainment! U have talent!
P.S. I am very honest on this! I am not Lieing (plz excuse my spelling).
~Kairi
Reply:interesting in the begining, but you skipped through everything too fast. You also didnt cut up the paragraphs well. And some paragraphs had like 10 of the same words repeated in it. chimney chimney chimney chimneys chimney, smell smelt smelt smell smelling smell, chimney chimney chimney chimney chimney!!! smoke smoking smoke smoke smoke smoke smoke, so much stuff like that. You really could rephrase stuff. i could tell you have been searching for words cause some are really safisticated words, and while the rest of the sentence is phrased really badly and has bad word choice. you have a interesting story here, just not good writing. It's a way better idea than something i would get, but you really gotta learn how to write. show this to one of your friends or someone who likes to write, they will help you cause its much easier to explain things in person.
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