Poem # 8...just wrote it. Opinion?

Water Bottle





The water falls


Slipping into oblivion?


Or just onto that


Inconspicuous surface...


Small rivers on a deadened form


Blue as the spring sky


Cold as the frost in sedated winter


Descending like the tears that mourn


Escape into the heavens


Unseen.


Dripping from your rugged curves


As the sweat...


A sweet and sensual lover...


Guilty pleasure.


Slither in my grasp


Open yourself to me


Allow me to partake...


That refreshing elixir

Poem # 8...just wrote it. Opinion?
Interesting images here. I like the poem, as it says on line 13, there is a sensual sense to it. You may want to consider dropping some of your ellipsis from the punctuation. It is easily overused and can become distracting. I liked “Inconspicuous surface”. I had some issues with lines 5-7. “deadened form” seemed a little vague to me. “Blue as the spring sky”: I think you can do better there. You are generally unpredictable, and this seemed a little ordinary for your writing. L7: I wonder if “Cold as the” gives you anything that frost alone doesn’t give you. Frost in sedated water is a nice phrase by the way. I liked the rest of it. I thought it was a good poem. Thanks for sharing.
Reply:I really like this one!


especially "sedated winter"


and "open yourself to me....allow me to partake"





really really good!
Reply:Is this poem about a man or a woman? I liked all but "rugged curves".