LDS perspective PLEASE?

I contacted an old non-LDS friend %26amp; invited them (+wife and two elementary school age daughters) to stay overnight, 36 hours, at our house twice, six months apart for a summer party and a winter party. They live 3 hours south of our house. His wife is sullen, won't answer any emails and will not telephone; we have been sweet to her anyway. I have hinted for my husband and I to be invited to dinner at their house sometime but have been refused (on grounds of messy house), or sidestepped. To him, our house is a free hotel on the way to visit his grown daughter.Over the last year he has asked to visit us several times and I have stated that we were going to be out of town and other excuses because I wanted him to invite us to HIS house at least once before they make a habit of coming here all the time. He keeps stating "we like your house" and many compliments on how great a hostess I am. He has invited himself (all 4) to our house this summer. I feel used;sick. What should I say to him?

LDS perspective PLEASE?
Interesting, I really don't know what to think about all of this. The husband may have been using you guys, but it is true that they might have enjoyed the spirit in your home.





I'm a little concerned about the wife who is "sullen, and won't answer any email" etc... Keep an eye on her, she may need your help. I don't trust that guy for some reason.





I think you need to keep your "old friend" at a healthy distance for a while, something is not right. I would check and make sure that your "old friend" didn't steal any personal information or items or possibly do something to one of your children (the children are often terrified to tell what happened and/or had their lives threatened.)





I don't want to be an alarmist but this friend's activities seem very strange.





I only bring this up because I recently learned of one of my male cousins being sexually abused by an older cousin of ours who himself had been sexually abused by a male baby sitter. (its a terribly tragic thing because of how my cousin has bottled it up over the years, he is very tenderhearted and thank God he didn't continue the practice himself but it has done terrible damage to him).





Make sure to take extra cautions. I hope you didn't give this man a key to your home. You and your husband need to discuss the possible things this man was doing in your home.
Reply:I would just decline his invitation to come to your house, especially if you feel used. It does sound like he is taking advantage of your hospitality. You don't have to allow him to stay all the time, but if you feel you want to invite him, maybe once a year is enough.
Reply:If I was in that situation, I would simply stop contacting them. My wife and I have a hard time finding time to meet with friends in the same town. Unless you feel your presence or influence is needed, spend your time with people who you enjoy spending time with.
Reply:Just lock the door and don't answer the door bell.


Friends should not show up uninvited, once in a while is OK, but frequently is not something to hope for.





My wife and I use to be friendly to our friends too, we hold parties and do all kinds of stuff, until we heard one of them commented that we are trying to control them.





So we step back.....way way back from them.
Reply:It depends on how you want the friendship to be after the fact.





The "If he stays a friend, great, if he doesn't then it's no skin off my nose" approach:


Call him and invite yourself (and family) over to his house for the weekend explaining that you would love to (whatever is fun to do where he lives) with his family that weekend. Then tell him that you've been meaning to come up/ go down and visit him for a while now and next weekend would be great! Then go. If he says something about it not being a good time, then the week or two before he's scheduled to arrive at your house, say the same thing to him. Then just make sure you aren't at home during the time he's scheduled to be there. Rent a hotel room in town if needed, or go camping.





The "I want to remain his friend, but I want him to understand I'm not a doormat" approach:


This approach works especially well if they are staying for more than one night. When they arrive, arrange to meet them at an inexpensive restaurant (Wendy's or someplace like that), then tell them to follow you because you have a great evening planned. Take them camping - bring a tent and some blankets for them, a skillet, and whatever you want for your own family. Camp and fish for all your food for the duration of their stay. You can either leave in time to allow them just enough time to shower at your house before they have to be on their way, or allow them to leave first, then wait an hour or two then go home. You're virtually guaranteed he'll think twice before he assumes it's ok to stay with you. If it's longer than a night or two, you can always sneak out in the middle of the night and get a hotel room.





Personally, I'd just have a heart to heart talk with him about it. Honesty is always the best policy, but the above are some other ways you can deal with it.
Reply:JW here. Sounds like the wife may be suffering depression and/or children/husband who tear up the house.





I have that. I also suffer from CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome). I have 2 really messy girls (they don't believe clothes belong in drawers or closets), messy husband (he's as bad), mice, fish, dog, cat, and a lot of health problems.





Show fellow feeling and ASK her if she is having a hard time dealing with home life.





Debbie
Reply:I don't quite understand why you're making a religious issue out of this and why you even need to differentiate that your "friends" are not Mormon. Are you implying that had he been Mormon this behavior would be permissible?





I say he's rude at best and taking advantage of you at worst.





I'd calmly and politely tell him that you feel that he is using you for convenience and that from now on when you guys hang out, it will be in a public setting and not inside your home until he extends to you the same hospitality that you have.





Just my 2 cents
Reply:Honestly, I would just tell him straight up front that you don't appreciate it and you want to go to his house instead. Doesn't matter what religion they are, some people just use others and just don't get it and certainly hasn't learned their manners. Of course, say it in an appropriate way, don't lend the spirit off but sometimes it happens.
Reply:you say he is a friend, but you don't want to spend time with him? friendship is about who, not where. maybe there is a reason they don't invite you to their home. maybe there is not enough room. maybe their house in not 'nice', or they just don't do company.......why should it matter? if it bothers you that much - do something on neutral ground.





Edit: I am LDS.


Let me tell you a little story. I have two bros. 1 very LDS, 1 gay and buddhist. They are both my bros and I love both of them. Because of "religious" differences they had not been in the same room together for about 18 years. However, throughout this time, I have relayed messages back and forth, I have always tried to put a good spin on things when one was offended, I have always made the effort to invite both and try to get them to have some kind of relationship as brothers should. I have ALWAYS been the initiator. They did not ever come to my house, or call, or make an effort until recently. ....this year, at a family funeral, I finally got them both in the same room long enough to talk a bit. Strangely enough they found they still have stuff in common and it ended in a hug. Now I have two brothers and no more eggshells to walk on.





I'm just saying - if the relationship is worth it to you, you do what it takes. I could have very easily lost one brother or both, but I didn't. It was worth it - even 18 years.
Reply:Leave the wacky cult and get real friends.

flower