Do you like this little part of my book?

Erin and the Reaper





It was a cold winters night. Erin had just finished writing her fan-fiction. It was thundering and lightning.The power went out then Erin got scared so she ran upstairs to her room.


"Mom!" she yelled, "Can you bring me a flashlight?!" Erin lay down on her bed trying to make herself tired.


Erin's mom opened the door, "Here you go sweet heart." she walked over to Erin. "Ya know," Erin knew she was going to say something about her childhood, "When I was you age... I wrote books too. My first one-hundred page was titled The Wretched. It was about--"


"Can I just go to sleep please?" Erin interrupted.


"Sorry." Erin's mom said in a disappointed voice. She walked out of the room with a slouch and closed the door.


~~~


An hour later Erin had just gotten to sleep when she felt a breeze that woke her up. She opened her eyes. Above her was a floating man in a robe that looked rotted. He moved very majestically but she couldn't see his face.


"Who are you?" Erin whispered. She was too terrified to speak.


"I..." he said in a low, scratchy voice that made Erin cringe, "I am the Grim Reaper!"


Erin rolled out her bed and onto the floor. She looked out of the window and Charles (her boyfriend) was outside with a rock. He threw it and it hit the Grim Reaper in the head. "Jump out!" Charles yelled.


She jumped just before the Grim Reaper got up. Erin landed on Charles but they quickly got up and started running.


"We have to get to the Brothers Grimm building." Charles said.


"I've never heard of it in my life." Erin grabbed Charles's hand and they were in front of the building. "I don't remember that being there." Erin said

Do you like this little part of my book?
I think that the beginning needs more detail.


Give us some describing words about her surroundings.


Is she in her parent's room?


Is she in the den?


Living room?


Hotel lobby?


Toilet room of a Trucker's stop?


We have no way of knowing.


Instead of "she ran upstairs to her room." You could say somehting like "bounded upstairs" or "shot through the dark"


I would just suggest to being more descriptive.
Reply:Well overall its an interesting concept. but your writng has room to be improved i give it a six because lines like my boyfriend charles hit him in the head with a rock, and erin got scared, aren't very interesting or descriptive what are the chances charles will be there? Or hit the grim reaper with a rock. Brothers grimm building??





i am a writer. so here an excerpt from my first chapter a really long one.





CHAPTER ONE - TRAINING


“Listen now, my apprentice, you must relax. Listen,”


Where I sat was familiar, a dimly lit, cold, empty space. A pungent smell wavered in the room, making the inside of my nose burn. The walls had clearly been carved out many years ago, considering the crumbling stone and damp mossy feel. The vibe exerting itself was depressing and I sat quietly, patiently in the center of the chamber.


“You must learn, my apprentice, pain. There is no pain here, but you must learn,” Elder Pluyuut spoke in a soft and soothing voice. In his attempt to calm and prepare me it had only made me more apprehensive. He circled my chair watching my odd reactions. Every word he spoke stabbed at me.


Complaining the whole time.


My pained self conscience continued telling me to run, run while I still could. This isn’t meant for you, it whispered in my ear, just as gently as Elder Pluyuut whispered around me. Run, Lea, you still can it taunted me.


Maybe it wasn’t meant for me, but the Elders believed it was. The Elders were always right, which is why there was an abundance of respect for them. Elder Pluyuut quieted down momentarily, letting me breathe.


“Lea, my dearest, are you ready?” He was standing behind me, out of my view. The straight, wooden chair had my slender wrists sealed to it tightly, along with my neck. I tensed up at the words, are you ready? I was not ready, I would never be ready. Ready for what? I had a second of sensibility, and looked at the possibility I was freaking out over nothing. It was merely a second though, gone in a flash.


I had a sword above my head, the promise I made to the clan, to the elders. At the sound of no the rope would be cut, a sure death. A promise broken.


But was death worse the pain I might endure?


“Lea, I said are you ready?” impatience lined his sensitive tone.


“No, I’m not, “I whispered, inaudible. My skin crawled with the thought of what was to come; I bit down on my lip, hard. I had to keep myself from screaming out in fear. Elder Pluyuut glided back into view on my right side. I shot a glance over at him trying desperately to figure out what he was thinking. Panic was caked visibly in my expression. His hard face scanned the floor, as if the words he was looking for were scattered on the stone. As his dried lips parted I held my breath.


“Congratulations, my novice,” Elder Pluyuut nodded slowly, shutting his charcoal eyes, “you have no need for my teaching today.” I looked back at him, no need? My mouth dropped open. Relieved and astonished, I started to cry, but I had no reason to be blubbering. Crying was for those who had been hurt, and I’d been nothing more than threatened with pain. I was in perfect health. I should save my tears for someone who needed them, someone who deserved them. Yet, with every drop the pressure was lifted off my shoulders.


I brushed the tears off of my rosy cheeks. My throat was sore from keeping it all in so long; with one last yelp I was finished.


My deep blue eyes lingered in his, questioning. Elder Pluyuut winced quickly and sighed, the face of my mentor was overly scarred, even compared to Jaela. He looked up again from the dark floor. I searched his exterior for his thoughts again, a futile attempt.


He could hide his emotions perfectly, a skill that must be helpful. A skill I wished I had.


“Leandra, I have tried to teach you to accept and endure pain.”


“But,” He looked away again, shaking his head, obviously dumbfounded by whatever I’d done now, “You caused yourself pain. You have taught yourself Lea, to accept it and I’ve taught you all that I could. You will surely figure out the rest of it. One more week Lea, no more, no less. I cannot train you any further. There’s only one question. Are you ready?” He turned around to face me, eyes suddenly glistening red.


“Are you ready yet?” Jaela whined from the kitchen. I sat up abruptly in my bed, my breathing uneven. I sighed, happy to be awake, and wiped the sweat off my creased brow. I looked around, my same bland, wooden walls were in place, my bed was creaking as usual and I still had my locket slung around my neck. It was a memory, just a dream.


I flipped my feet onto the floor.
Reply:i'd say.. around a five?


i don't want to be too harsh especially since my writing sucks, but it seems a lot like you got some of it off goosebumps, or r l stine books. maybe that's just a coincedence, and i think it's good, but it could be better, like the writing part, not the plot.


when you're done writing the whole thing, read over it, because chance are, by the time you're done the book, your writing will have improved and you'll look over the first parts and think how weak it is compared to your newer writing style.





my writing is crap, though i try :(


here's a little excerpt:





The only memory Yale Campbell could recall from her childhood, was eating dirt when she was four. It was a dare from Nate Winchester, and she never backed down on a dare. After several mouthfuls of dirt, her stomach gave way and she began puking it all up. Nate held her hair back so she wouldn’t get vomit all over it and gave her his only juice box. He apologized for making her do that, but she didn’t mind. She’d done it because her best friend asked her to and she’d do anything for him.





if i was harsh, sorry, but i hope my criticism helps out.


just be a little more descriptive and use a lot of variations for commonly used words like said.
Reply:Err... I'd give it a six.





You could have used more description, it sound similar to the Grim adventures of Billy and Mandy. Expand your vocabulary a bit. The beginning, the most important part, wasn't interesting. You should include more drama.





Here's a bit edit:





An hour later Erin had just gotten to sleep when she felt a breeze that woke her up. She looked at the window and saw it closed. she tucked into her bed. She heard a sound, nothing was moving. Erin hesitantly looked up, she saw an floating object of some sort.


After a moment she realized it was someone in a black robe- like the villains she saw in the movies, she tried to see his face. She couldn't, the man looked down as if he was wearing a sinister smile.


Erin got out of her bed and held her lamp steady. "Who-" Erin gulped, she was shaking harshly. "Who are you?" she asked in a frightened voice. The man floated majestically, all that Erin could hear was an omnious laugh,








!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Follow this link to some of my work:


http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
Reply:You have a few syntax errors here and there. I also kind of agree with the answerer above me, but only a little.





I'd give it a nine.