I shaped up my earlier writing based on suggestions, how does it look now?

Keep in mind before you read this, and it will be painfully obvious to many, I am not a writer and in forty years I cared not to read anything fiction....so with that, let me know your thoughts and constructive critics.





Gingerly sweet the whisper seeps


Through the forest so deep


Beyond the king of three winters go


A freshly fallen virgin snow


Deep in the abyss kindles a spark


Can you hear the silenced lark?








Soft and tender my journey's step


To the old woman who has wept


The perilous forest is unforgiving


Especially to those among the living


Weeping still she rests near the stream


Echoes not her grieving scream








Curious eyes watch in sorrow


for none know what comes the morrow


Upon bended knee in the moon's glow


A solitary tear to the stream below


She cradles the warrior like a child


Deep within this forest so wild





Tarnished armour blades of rust


So fragile this tender trust


Linger long her mournful sobs


For a life the gods have robbed


Brave warrior of old all agree


But fate comes to even thee.

I shaped up my earlier writing based on suggestions, how does it look now?
First off I just don't like the first 4 lines, they sound waaaaay to cheesy, either fix them or cut them.





Next there are some great lines, BUT then there are some that just do not flow well at all, and I think it moves too quickly.





For example, you talk about yourself taking a journey, and I thought the poem was about you, THEN you start to talk as though the poems main focus is about the old woman, then you make it like the poems main focus is a 'warrior child' and then you say that an 'old warrior' dies.





And now I am so lost I have no idea what the poem was about..... at all.....





So just clarify better, PLEASE.





and I do think you have a good story here, I was very into it before I got confused about WHO you were talking about.





and don't be afraid to make it longer so we know the 'whole' story :)





keep up the great work, very nice!