There is no denying this poem needs serious help!...?

Carried away


On the winds of time


To dance


With the song of the swallow


On the words of forever.


To glide


As shimmering moonlight


On the black waters


Of memory


And whisper through air


As the sweet perfume


That clings


To the bud of a rose.


Wrapping the senses in radiant beauty


To be left to struggle


`Gainst blackened thorns


When it fades


At winters gate.


Ensnared for life


In the piercing grasp


While all around


Dance echoes


Of lost love.


A cry of pain rebounding


In the valley


A wolfs lament


To the ailing orb of loss.


A shadow stretches on


Past all deceasing


And sings the song


That never shall be sung.





The rhythm needs help. I tried to do that myself and failed. And the end... If anyone has a sugestion on that, PLEASE SHARE! Regarding the poem itself, comment and tell me what it needs to make it bearable. It might have potential, but if you cannot help me with it, it will not. Blech.


Thanks.

There is no denying this poem needs serious help!...?
This is actually quite nice. It does not need serious help, just a little fine tuning. When you write in free verse, it is probably best to avoid using archaic terms, like `Gainst. Against would do as well and blend better with your style.





You should add an apostrophe to wolfs.





Read this poem aloud. Without punctuation, it is difficult to read this aloud because there are no natural places to break. This appears to be two very long sentences. Try breaking it up, creating sentences that convey complete thoughts, and allowing the reader to grasp those thoughts separately.





You have a little work to do on this, but not much. Preserve as much of your original as possible during your rewriting process.





Well done, so far. I would like to see your changes.
Reply:Don't change it. Rhyme or not, it's extremely good. It flows well, and the description is very very good. But when it says "Wrapping the senses in radiant beauty," I find it would be a tad better if it were a few words in a phrase. Such as:


Wrapping the senses


In radian beauty





I find that would work better than it all together. Keep writing, i enjoyed this piece. :]
Reply:I'm denying it.





Fine tuning and serious help are a world apart, darling O head. Listen to the people and their suggestions. Because I agree with them to the ends of the earth and beyond.
Reply:Poetry is art. Let it be.
Reply:it does not make sense to me.. i dont really go for all that stuff.. i mean yeah its okay. but i dont really like it.

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